Dr. Phil often asks, “Do you want to be right or happy?” Although I am not a big fan of either/or thinking, I understand what he means.
Lately, I am noticing people’s need to be right everywhere I turn. For example, last week I helped throw a baby shower for my Goddaughter whom I dearly love. Although I wanted to take charge of the party so she could just show up and enjoy it, she was uncomfortable with this arrangement. Believing that no one could or would do it as well as her, she insisted on choosing the decorations, planning the menu, cooking some of the food, setting up the room and micromanaging every detail of the party. When a friend of hers commented on how lovely the decorations were she said, “If I hadn’t gone to the store to buy them we wouldn’t have had them.” “That’s true,” I replied. But you would have had decorations which were equally as lovely.”
A few days later, I received feedback from colleagues of a manager I am beginning to coach. “She’s too forceful in her opinions,” they said. “When we try to show her another perspective, she gets loud and aggressive. She acts like she’s the only competent one in the room.”
Then last night at my Zen study group, a well-intentioned student told me that the energy work I learned through aikido and have practiced for forty years was unimportant. Without knowing what the work consisted of, she likened it to seeing auras and advised me to forget everything I have studied and just meditate in silence.
In the past, I would have defended my years of energy awareness training and educated her about its benefits. Recently, however, I have noticed that my need to grapple for the top-dog position is beginning to dim. Truth is, I see the need to be right within myself and as Gandhi said, I know that the change I seek begins with me. Thus, I have been reflecting on this tendency. Here is what I have come up with so far…
Most of us believe that our way of seeing the world is objectively correct and that those who dare to see the world differently are in some way defective. They are not smart, experienced or wise enough we may conclude. Categorizing others allows us to dismiss them and in so doing, we get to hold onto our feelings of safety and superiority. This kind of thinking separates people into them and us and damages the very relationships we most cherish. On a global level, it is the root cause of wars, genocide and other horrific acts of humanity.
Although I realize my view of the world is only a slice of the pie called reality, I’m so used to it that I rarely question its veracity. However, instead of assuming that my view is the Absolute Truth, would owning it as a preference open my mind to new possibilities? Would it deepen my connection with others?
Furthermore, instead of assuming that I understand what the other person is saying and then rush off to show the limitations of that thinking or to provide advice, I take a pause to immerse myself in the other person’s way of seeing the world. That may mean asking questions to elicit more information. Since my mind moves so quickly and is so results-oriented, slowing down the conversation may be challenging. Yet, isn’t it in the slowness, the moment to moment living, that true connection occurs? Isn’t this the birthplace of compassion?
A friend told me this story. A client goes to her psychotherapy session and doesn’t say anything. The therapist sits in silence with her, finally telling her that if she wants to talk, he is there to listen. Still she says nothing. After a while, tears begin to stream down her cheek and she starts to sob. Still the therapist says and does nothing. After a while, he reminds her that if she wants to talk, he is there to listen. At the end of the session, the woman thanks him profusely for being there for her.
What do you make of all this?
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Aimee Bernstein is the President of Open Mind Adventures which specializes in coaching, collaborative teams and cultures and mindfulness in action training. Her work liberates leaders from limited mindsets, behaviors and energy patterns, enabling them to manifest higher performance and stronger relationships. Her clients have included Chanel, The Ritz Carlton, Microsoft, Colgate Palmolive and nonprofit agencies. She is also a co-founder of Global Integrative Wellness Network and the Conscious Leader Community..
Aimee is a thought leader in the area of stress reduction and wellness cultures. Her book, Stress Less Achieve More: Simple Ways to Turn Pressure into a Positive Force in Your Life was voted one of 17 inspiring books to read by Thrive Global. In it she guides busy leaders and their teams in using pressure–the energy of change–to develop mastery while raising consciousness.. The book is available in English, Mandarin and Arabic
Aimee received her graduate degree in counseling from Boston University and interned at Mass. General Hospital under the auspices of Harvard Medical School. She has been listed in Who’s Who in American Women.